Relationships: When to move forward or backward in conflict

Relationships: What is healthy, what is toxic, how you know if someone is good for you now vs good for you forever

We are the generation twice removed from the Cleavers; the aftermath of the rise in divorce rates. We have seen all kinds of relationship modeled for us. In some ways, this transparency of what happens in other marriages is helpful, but it also creates uncertainties when trying to create our own. Being a member of Gen Y can feel like you are navigating the relationship minefield blindfolded, unsure of when to move forward or backwards once problems arise.

When is it appropriate to stick things out? When do we back away? How do we know if someone is worth sticking it out for the future?

We are aware that relationships are difficult, and that people are not perfect. We want the passion, the chemistry, the conversation and the love-but we know that with that comes another side to that person. We know that life happens, that people change, and that relationships are hard. 

All this being said, there are certain signs that many people miss. Awareness of a few key traits will save you the heartache later down the road. 

Owning your Emotions vs. Emotional Blackmail

Emotions are a fragile part of our psyche. No matter where you hold them (on your sleeve, inside your heart) your emotions are potentially the most integral part of how you navigate different situations in your life. Being such important facets, they should be used as a way to express yourself. 

The people in your life fall in all categories of the sensitivity spectrum. Knowing where you are will help you express yourself in conflict. Being a sensitive person, I am aware that in conflict, this can cloud how I see situations. Similarly, someone who is not as sensitive, might not see how his/her words affect others. Your ability to express this maturely will do wonders when having a difficult time.

A person using their emotions in a toxic manner should be avoided. This manipulative mechanism breeds pain. This person may mean to say "I wish you would listen to me," but it comes out "I can't believe I am dating someone who is such a bad listener." 

This manipulation (and exaggeration) of emotions comes a place of drama and insecurity. Threatening the relationship to receive attention is a premeditated way to have someone feel guilty about more than the situation at hand.

Heated Discussion vs. Dirty Fighting

Eloquence is a gift. Some people have a natural knack for expressing themselves and explaining their point of view. Don't mistake your ability to explain yourself as a sign of being "right." It is important to remember that while you may be able to process and work through your emotions verbally, not everyone is able to do this on the spot. Give your partner the time to process as he/she needs. Pushing someone to talk when they haven't processed will never end well.

When not given the time to calm down and process, people say things out of anger. Heated discussion and arguments are a normal part of the relationship process; but using your words to hurt someone should not be. Heated discussion or not, name calling, throwing out wild accusations and any sort of blame casting is inexcusable. Dirty fighting is a sign that you don't actually want to fix the problem, you want someone to feel pain.

Butting Heads vs. Conflict Buzz

Conflict is a natural part of having a relationship. You will never wholly agree on every discussion. You might argue and never come to a consensus. That is okay. You grew up differently, and have experiences that have shaped who you are as a person as well as what your opinions are on a variety of subject. At times you may learn something from your partner, or they you. Other times you will both stand your ground on opposite sides of the fence and never meet. There is nothing wrong with this, so long as your whole relationship doesn't revolve around conflict.

Some people actively seek out conflict in their relationships. Often a sign of immaturity, if everything becomes a battle, your relationship will not (and should not) survive. There could be a variety of reasons for seeking conflict-for attention, out of boredom, to fill an emotional void etc. Whatever the reason, getting high off of constant conflict is unhealthy. 

Remember that no relationship is perfect, because no person is perfect. Differences are highlighted when you show a person your true colors; which is a wonderful part of the dating process. Don't back away at the first sign of imperfection, but know that you are getting to know a person at their core. When we shed our glossy facade of who we want to be perceived as, that is when we start to figure out if a relationship is good for now vs. good for the future. Take the time to get to know someone, but respect yourself in the process. Know when to step away from conflict, and when to work through it. 

Friendship Redefined: When to cut ties and with who

Redefining Friendship: When to cut ties and when to hold on (working title)

By your mid twenties, you have accumulated friendships from every avenue in your life. You have friends from your hometown, your high school, from college and from your professional life. You have friends that you just met and connected deeply with, and friends that you cannot fathom parting ways from because of your history.

Unfortunately, not all of these friendships are in your best interest to devote your time to maintaining. You will never have as much free time and resources as you do now. Most of us have nothing holding us back, where in the future we will be juggling the demands of a job, a family a spouse. When your time is limited, you will want to know that the friendships you have cultivated throughout the years are in your best interest.

Use your twenties to take a critical looks at the relationships in your life. Are using your energy on a friend who brings you up or tears you down? Are you spending a significant amount of time with people that inspire you, or with people that you share a history with (and potentially nothing else)?

Dreams and Nonbelievers

Your twenties are for realizing your dreams. They are for dreaming big, planning for the future and trying to figure out what makes you, uniquely you. When you talk about your dreams, your big, shoot for the stars life aspirations, how does your friend respond? Is she immediately excited for you? Does she love seeing you come alive and encourages you to move forward? Or does she take a critical stance, and suggest that you aim lower?

There is a time and a place for being practical, but discussions about your dreams in not one of those times. If you settle on the most practical path, you rarely unlock your dreams for the future.

So dream big. Visualize your future in the way that makes you the happiest. Take little steps every day to make that happen. If you have a friend who does anything but support, love and encourage you-than perhaps you need to take a look at the importance of that friendship.

Attitude

My mother, wise woman that she is, told me to surround yourself with people that make you feel great at the end of a conversation. It is truly a gift when you have friends that you can talk to about anything. Friends that you can turn to for relationship advice, family issues, and to pick apart your latest horoscope. But lets take that a step further. How do you feel after talking to that person?

If your friend is someone who you feel heard, important to, and empowered from-congratulations, you have found yourself a true friend. If you leave conversation more stressed than when you entered then, or drained, you may want to reevaluate this friendship. No matter how huge the issue you or she have going on, a cathartic chat with your friend should always make you feel better. You may not solve the worlds problems, but you should feel at least a smidgen better than when you started the original conversation.

Convenience

Some of our friends we keep because of our literal proximity to that person. They are friends that we get together with because they live in our neighborhood, go to the same gym, work in the same office. Most of our friendships likely started this way, and then life changes has put them in other categories. Friendships like this are beautiful because these people know the daily details of your life that you might not share with your friend who you talk to a few times a month.

Aside from being a part of your daily repertoire, who is this person to you? If he or she lived across the country, would you still be as close? Would you crave their opinions, listening skills and friendship if proximity wasn't a given? The hallmark of a true friend is someone that you can pick up where you left off, no matter the distance.

At the end of the day, life is really hard. If it isn't for you yet, I can assure you that life will (unfortunately) complicate itself in the future. When this happens, you want to be certain the friends you have surrounded yourself with and have devoted your time to are the ones that will lift you up when life brings you down. Think critically about the energy you are putting into your relationships now, they will be the people you will need to turn to in the future.